Science FAQ:

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Elephant x Grape x sin(alpha)
Q: What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a mountain climber?
A: You can’t cross a vector and a scaler!

Q: What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty Therapist?
A: The Quantum Theorist uses Planck’s Constant as a foundation, whereas the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.

Q: Why does e^x hate going to parties?
A: Because no matter how hard he tries, he always fails to integrate.

Q: Why don’t catholics pray for forgiveness when sitting down?
A: Because there’s no syn elimination in the chair conformation!

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it’s in the ground state.

Q: What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?
A: A KNiFe.

Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can’t change light bulbs but they can run expensive computer simulations which predict the lifetime of the bulb with order of magnitude accuracy.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Even more jokes

Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control!

A small furry animal walks into a bar, orders a drink. Bartender looks at him, says “Sorry, the occupancy is 6.023×10²³. We cannot serve a mole.”

Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
“Do you know how fast you were going?” the police officer asks, incredulously.
“No,” replies Heisenberg, “but I know exactly where I am!”

Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, “Hey! I think I lost an electron!”
The other says, “Are you sure??”
“Yes, I’m positive!”

I wish I was Adenine so I can be paired with U!

Famous last words

Nuclear physicist: See, cold fusion does not work.
Nuclear physisist: What was the critical mass, exactly?
Physisist: And now we reach absolute zero.
Astronomer: That asteroid won’t hit the Earth.
Chemist: And now the tasting test.
Chemist: And now a little bit from this…
Chemist: And now shake it a bit.
Chemist: Why is there no label on this bottle?
Chemist: In which glass was my mineral water?
Chemist: Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
Chemist: First the acid, then the water…
Chemist: Oh no, wrong beaker…
Microbiologist: These bacteria cannot live outside the substrate.
Field biologist: They never attack humans.

Question: What is “IT”?

Geologists do IT on the ground.
Astronomers do IT all night.
Chemists do IT by bonding.
Chemists also do IT on a table, periodically.
Newton did IT with force.
Eighteenth century physicists did IT with rigid bodies.
Maxwell did IT with magnetism.
Analytical Chemists do it with precision and accuracy.
Volta did IT with a jolt.
Watt did IT with power.
Joule did IT with energy.
Ohm did IT with resistance.
Pascal did IT under pressure.
Hooke did IT using springs.
Coulomb got all charged up about IT.
Hertz did IT frequently.
Boltzmann did IT in heat.
Ampere let IT flow.
For Franklin, IT was an electrifying experience.
Edison claims to have invented IT.
When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.
For Darwin, IT was natural.
Freud did IT in his sleep.
Mendel studied the consequences of IT.
When Wegener did IT, continents moved.
Classical physicists do IT in perfectly uniform harmonic motion.
Heisenberg was never sure whether he even did IT.
Bohr did IT in an excited state.
Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.
Schrödinger did IT in waves.
Bose did IT with partners.
Einstein did IT on a curved surface.
Oort did IT in a cloud.
Hubble did IT in the dark.
Watson and Crick got all wound up about IT.
Cosmologists do IT in a big bang.
Theorists do IT on paper.
Wigner did IT in a group.
Richter and Ting did IT with charm.
Astrophysicists do IT with young starlets.
Planetary scientists do IT with Uranus.
Electron microscopists do IT 100,000 times.
Feynman did IT in fields.
Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.
Soil chemists do IT dirty.

Answer: IT = science, of course

8th July, 2008