Sci­ence FAQ:

Q: What do you get when you cross an ele­phant and a grape?
A: Ele­phant x Grape x sin(alpha)
Q: What do you get when you cross an Ele­phant and a moun­tain climber?
A: You can’t cross a vec­tor and a scaler!

Q: What is the dif­fer­ence between a Quan­tum The­o­rist and a Beauty Ther­a­pist?
A: The Quan­tum The­o­rist uses Planck’s Con­stant as a foun­da­tion, whereas the Beauty Ther­a­pist uses Max Factor.

Q: Why does e^x hate going to par­ties?
A: Because no mat­ter how hard he tries, he always fails to integrate.

Q: Why don’t catholics pray for for­give­ness when sit­ting down?
A: Because there’s no syn elim­i­na­tion in the chair conformation!

Q: Why does ham­burger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it’s in the ground state.

Q: What weapon can you make from the ele­ments potas­sium, nickel and iron?
A: A KNiFe.

Q: How many the­o­ret­i­cal physi­cists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can’t change light bulbs but they can run expen­sive com­puter sim­u­la­tions which pre­dict the life­time of the bulb with order of mag­ni­tude accuracy.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Issac New­ton: Chick­ens at rest tend to stay at rest, chick­ens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Ein­stein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Even more jokes

Did you hear about the biol­o­gist who had twins? She bap­tized one and kept the other as a control!

A small furry ani­mal walks into a bar, orders a drink. Bar­tender looks at him, says “Sorry, the occu­pancy is 6.023×10²³. We can­not serve a mole.”

Heisen­berg is pulled over for speed­ing:
“Do you know how fast you were going?” the police offi­cer asks, incred­u­lously.
“No,” replies Heisen­berg, “but I know exactly where I am!”

Two atoms are walk­ing down the street.
Says one atom to the other, “Hey! I think I lost an elec­tron!”
The other says, “Are you sure??”
“Yes, I’m positive!”

I wish I was Ade­nine so I can be paired with U!

Famous last words

Nuclear physi­cist: See, cold fusion does not work.
Nuclear physi­sist: What was the crit­i­cal mass, exactly?
Physi­sist: And now we reach absolute zero.
Astronomer: That aster­oid won’t hit the Earth.
Chemist: And now the tast­ing test.
Chemist: And now a lit­tle bit from this…
Chemist: And now shake it a bit.
Chemist: Why is there no label on this bot­tle?
Chemist: In which glass was my min­eral water?
Chemist: Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
Chemist: First the acid, then the water…
Chemist: Oh no, wrong beaker…
Micro­bi­ol­o­gist: These bac­te­ria can­not live out­side the sub­strate.
Field biol­o­gist: They never attack humans.

Ques­tion: What is “IT”?

Geol­o­gists do IT on the ground.
Astronomers do IT all night.
Chemists do IT by bond­ing.
Chemists also do IT on a table, peri­od­i­cally.
New­ton did IT with force.
Eigh­teenth cen­tury physi­cists did IT with rigid bod­ies.
Maxwell did IT with mag­net­ism.
Ana­lyt­i­cal Chemists do it with pre­ci­sion and accu­racy.
Volta did IT with a jolt.
Watt did IT with power.
Joule did IT with energy.
Ohm did IT with resis­tance.
Pas­cal did IT under pres­sure.
Hooke did IT using springs.
Coulomb got all charged up about IT.
Hertz did IT fre­quently.
Boltz­mann did IT in heat.
Ampere let IT flow.
For Franklin, IT was an elec­tri­fy­ing expe­ri­ence.
Edi­son claims to have invented IT.
When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.
For Dar­win, IT was nat­ural.
Freud did IT in his sleep.
Mendel stud­ied the con­se­quences of IT.
When Wegener did IT, con­ti­nents moved.
Clas­si­cal physi­cists do IT in per­fectly uni­form har­monic motion.
Heisen­berg was never sure whether he even did IT.
Bohr did IT in an excited state.
Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.
Schrödinger did IT in waves.
Bose did IT with part­ners.
Ein­stein did IT on a curved sur­face.
Oort did IT in a cloud.
Hub­ble did IT in the dark.
Wat­son and Crick got all wound up about IT.
Cos­mol­o­gists do IT in a big bang.
The­o­rists do IT on paper.
Wigner did IT in a group.
Richter and Ting did IT with charm.
Astro­physi­cists do IT with young star­lets.
Plan­e­tary sci­en­tists do IT with Uranus.
Elec­tron micro­scopists do IT 100,000 times.
Feyn­man did IT in fields.
Hawk­ing wrote a brief his­tory of IT.
Soil chemists do IT dirty.

Answer: IT = sci­ence, of course

8th July, 2008